Abbey of the Arts

Transformative Living through Contemplative & Expressive Arts

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    • Breath Prayer:
      An Ancient Practice for the Everyday Sacred
    • Sacred Time:
      Embracing an Intentional Way of Life
    • The Wisdom of Wild Grace: Poems
    • Earth, Our Original Monastery:
      Cultivating Wonder and Gratitude through Intimacy with Nature
    • Dreaming of Stones: Poems
    • The Soul's Slow Ripening:
      12 Celtic Practices for Seeking the Sacred
    • The Wisdom of the Body:
      A Contemplative Journey to Wholeness for Women
    • Illuminating the Way:
      Embracing the Wisdom of Monks and Mystics
    • The Soul of a Pilgrim:
      Eight Practices for the Journey Within
    • Eyes of the Heart:
      Photography as a Christian Contemplative Practice
    • The Artist's Rule: Nurturing Your Creative Soul with Monastic Wisdom
    • Desert Mothers and Fathers: Early Christian Wisdom Sayings Annotated & Explained
    • Lectio Divina–The Sacred Art: Transforming Words and Images into Heart-Centered Prayer
    • Water, Wind, Earth & Fire: The Christian Practice of Praying with the Elements
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      Bringing the Arts to Spiritual Direction
    • Lectio Divina: Contemplative Awakening & Awareness
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      • Monk in the World art series by Kristin Noelle
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      • Mary block print art series by Kreg Yingst
  • Programs
    • Lift Every Voice: Contemplative Writers of Color Book Club
      • Embodied Spirits: Stories of Spiritual Directors of Color (Book Club – March 2021)
      • God Alone is Enough: A Spirited Journey with Teresa of Avila (Book Club – February 2021)
    • Community Online Retreats
      • Harriet Tubman and Howard Thurman-on Being Free
      • Writing Into Bloom
        with Christine Valters Paintner
      • Revelations: The Mysticism of Julian of Norwich and Margery Kempe
      • The Wisdom of Wild Grace: A Weekend Retreat Online
      • The Spiral Way:
        Celtic Spirituality and the Creative Imagination
      • Sacred Balance:
        Aligning Body and Spirit Through
        Yoga and the Benedictine Way
    • Self-Study Online Spiritual Retreats
      • Creative Flourishing in the Heart of the Desert:
        An Online Retreat with St. Hildegard of Bingen
      • Dreaming of the Sea:
        A women’s discernment journey through the story of the Selkie
      • Earth, Our Original Monastery
        A Companion Retreat to the Book (SELF-STUDY)
      • Exile and Coming Home:
        An Archetypal Journey through the Scriptures
      • Eyes of the Heart:
        Photography as Contemplative Practice
        (Companion retreat to the book)
      • Honoring Saints and Ancestors:
        Online Retreat for the Season of Remembrance
      • Lectio Divina:
        The Sacred Art of Reading the World
      • A Midwinter God:
        Making a Conscious Underworld Journey (SELF-STUDY)
      • Sacred Rhythms of Sky, Sun, Sea & Stone:
        A Creative Retreat with the Elements (SELF-STUDY)
      • Sacred Seasons:
        A Yearlong Journey through the Celtic Wheel of the Year
      • The Soul of a Pilgrim:
        Eight Practices for the Journey Within
        (a companion retreat to the book)
      • The Soul's Slow Ripening: 12 Celtic Practices for Seekers of the Sacred (a companion retreat to the book)
      • Water, Wind, Earth & Fire
      • Watershed Moments
        in the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures
      • Way of the Monk, Path of the Artist:
        A 12-Week Companion Retreat to The Artist's Rule
      • The Wisdom of the Body:
        A 10-Week Online Companion Retreat to the Book
      • The Wisdom of Mary and the Sacred Feminine
    • Live Programs: Pilgrimage & Retreats
      • Writing on the Wild Edges (Ireland)
      • Hildegard of Bingen (Germany)
      • Awakening the Creative Spirit: Experiential Education for Spiritual Directors in the Expressive Arts (Northwest)
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Monk in the World Guest Post Series

Monk in the World Guest Post: Anne Buck

I am delighted to share another beautiful submission for the Monk in the World guest post series from the community. Read on for Anne Buck's reflection on "In Between Light and Dark."

It was the middle of the night and I was asleep. But maybe, just possibly I was awake. Maybe it was the pain medication or the muscle relaxant. It could have been exhaustion or chemotherapy or my imagination. In the fuzzy dark, I heard a trapped and caught animal, screeching for life and I could not open my eyes, I couldn't move, even though I felt the life draining out of my bones with every scream.

I have been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  One day I was fine, the next day I was planning my funeral.  As the New Year began, my doctor checked out an ongoing ache in my back. Following a Sunday afternoon MRI, back surgery was scheduled for early March followed by rounds of chemotherapy. A mass was found in my spine on my low back and the medical team was hopeful that chemotherapy and radiation would address it.  Surgery, placement of a port, PET scans, MRIs, days of chemotherapy, nights buried under covers, and no one ever used the word cancer. Only my own mind reeled with the possibility.

Lent was unsettling and intense as I considered death and loss in a new way. Darkness has been a constant container. Fistfulls of hair began to fall out and I lost it all on Easter Sunday. This season has been a deeply solitary time. I haven't wanted to interact much. I'm tired of telling people I'm tired and something is wonky with my brain and I know it just isn't easy for others to sit with a sick person. I am not used to being "weak" and/or unable to function.

This is not something I ever imagined going through and sometimes struggle with feeling hopeless.

So, in the hopelessness and darkness, in the moments of sickness and aching, I have to ask myself the questions that bring meaning. “What is it like to be in the dark?” “Can hopelessness be part of the journey?” “Is it possible to rest without struggle in the darkness, trusting that all will be well?”

Over the last months I am learning to welcome the hopelessness and darkness. I welcome myself. I am leaning to offer myself gentleness in a new way. It is in this place that I am beginning to understand what healing means. My story is in the now. Not how I was before my illness and not looking forward to a year from now when this is over. Now is the time to be present. Now is the struggle. And yet, now is the time to rest. The time to be still and breathe, the time to allow my body to follow what is next.

I am not sad or depressed yet there are times I cry without ceasing. In the midst, I take comfort from so many around me that write and pray and connect.  A friend made a meal train for us – I couldn't imagine anyone would sign up. Yet, this is how people show their care. Friends from high school, from work, from The Dougy Center, from a previous church, from people I don't know, from the Abbey of the Arts though a woman I connected with in one of the very first online classes, Monk in the World, Melinda, who lives in England and has a friend in Portland. She signed up for a meal and cared for me. How wide the net of love and care spreads!
I am releasing and carrying.

Healing and dying.
Awake and asleep.
Settled and anxious.
Surrounded and isolated.
Resting and waiting.
Light and Dark.
Winter. Summer.

And in the midst, all is well.


Anne intuitively uses her compassion and creativity to midwife people through life experiences and transitions. As a chaplain, a massage therapist, a certified labyrinth facilitator and a spiritual director, she is able to be with others as they deal with end of life decisions, relationships and the meaning of faith through body awareness, walking journeys and creative expression.

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9 Comments June 14, 2017

Upcoming Programs

  • Writing Into Bloom with Christine Valters Paintner
    • May 1, 2021
  • Revelations: The Mysticism of Julian of Norwich and Margery Kempe
    • May 13, 2021
  • The Wisdom of Wild Grace: A Weekend Retreat Online
    • May 15, 2021 - May 16, 2021
  • View All Upcoming Programs

Recent Reflections

  • St. Kevin Holds Open His Hand and Radical Hospitality ~ A Love Note from Your Online Abbess
  • Monk in the World Guest Post: Greta Kopec
  • Monk in the World Podcast + Harriet Tubman Mysticism ~ A Love Note from Your Online Abbess
  • Lift Every Voice: Contemplative Writers of Color – April Video Discussion and Book Group Materials Now Available
  • Hildy Tails 12: Is ait an mac an saol ~ by John Valters Paintner

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