Abbey of the Arts

Transformative Living through Contemplative & Expressive Arts

  • Welcome
    • Prayer Cycle
      • Introduction to the Earth Monastery Prayer Cycle
      • Day 1 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Cathedral
      • Day 2 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Scriptures
      • Day 3 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Saints
      • Day 4 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Spiritual Directors
      • Day 5 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Icon
      • Day 6 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Sacrament
      • Day 7 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Liturgy
      • Prayer Cycle Leader Resources
    • About the Abbey
    • About Christine Valters Paintner
    • About John Valters Paintner
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    • Monk Manifesto
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  • Books
    • Sacred Time:
      Embracing an Intentional Way of Life
    • The Wisdom of Wild Grace: Poems
    • Earth, Our Original Monastery:
      Cultivating Wonder and Gratitude through Intimacy with Nature
    • Dreaming of Stones: Poems
    • The Soul's Slow Ripening:
      12 Celtic Practices for Seeking the Sacred
    • The Wisdom of the Body:
      A Contemplative Journey to Wholeness for Women
    • Illuminating the Way:
      Embracing the Wisdom of Monks and Mystics
    • The Soul of a Pilgrim:
      Eight Practices for the Journey Within
    • Eyes of the Heart:
      Photography as a Christian Contemplative Practice
    • The Artist's Rule: Nurturing Your Creative Soul with Monastic Wisdom
    • Desert Mothers and Fathers: Early Christian Wisdom Sayings Annotated & Explained
    • Lectio Divina–The Sacred Art: Transforming Words and Images into Heart-Centered Prayer
    • Water, Wind, Earth & Fire: The Christian Practice of Praying with the Elements
    • Awakening the Creative Spirit:
      Bringing the Arts to Spiritual Direction
    • Lectio Divina: Contemplative Awakening & Awareness
  • Poetry | Art | Music
    • Music + DVD
    • Poetry by Christine Valters Paintner
    • Poetry Videos
    • Dancing Monk Icons
    • Other Art Collaborations
      • Monk in the World art series by Kristin Noelle
      • Saints & Animals art series by David Hollington
      • Sacred Time art series by Alexi Francis
      • Mary block print art series by Kreg Yingst
  • Programs
    • Live Programs: Pilgrimage & Retreats
      • Monk in the World (Ireland)
      • Writing on the Wild Edges (Ireland)
      • Vienna Monk in the World (Austria)
      • Hildegard of Bingen (Germany)
      • Awakening the Creative Spirit: Experiential Education for Spiritual Directors in the Expressive Arts (Northwest)
    • Lift Every Voice: Contemplative Writers of Color Book Club
    • Community Online Retreats
      • The Spiral Way:
        Celtic Spirituality and the Creative Imagination
      • Journey with the Desert Mothers and Fathers (Lent 2021)
      • Dancing with Fear in Troubled Times
      • Novena for Times of Unraveling
      • The Two HT’s-Harriet Tubman and Howard Thurman-on Being Free
      • Writing Into Bloom
        with Christine Valters Paintner
      • Sacred Time: Embracing an Intentional Way of Life (Spring 2021)
      • Poetry and the Sacred Garden of the World:
        An Online Writing Retreat
    • Self-Study Online Spiritual Retreats
      • Creative Flourishing in the Heart of the Desert:
        An Online Retreat with St. Hildegard of Bingen
      • Dreaming of the Sea:
        A women’s discernment journey through the story of the Selkie
      • Earth, Our Original Monastery
        A Companion Retreat to the Book (SELF-STUDY)
      • Exile and Coming Home:
        An Archetypal Journey through the Scriptures
      • Eyes of the Heart:
        Photography as Contemplative Practice
        (Companion retreat to the book)
      • Honoring Saints and Ancestors:
        Online Retreat for the Season of Remembrance
      • Lectio Divina:
        The Sacred Art of Reading the World
      • A Midwinter God:
        Making a Conscious Underworld Journey
      • Sacred Rhythms of Sky, Sun, Sea & Stone:
        A Creative Retreat with the Elements (SELF-STUDY)
      • Sacred Seasons:
        A Yearlong Journey through the Celtic Wheel of the Year
      • The Soul of a Pilgrim:
        Eight Practices for the Journey Within
        (a companion retreat to the book)
      • The Soul's Slow Ripening: 12 Celtic Practices for Seekers of the Sacred (a companion retreat to the book)
      • Water, Wind, Earth & Fire
      • Watershed Moments
        in the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures
      • Way of the Monk, Path of the Artist:
        A 12-Week Companion Retreat to The Artist's Rule
      • The Wisdom of the Body:
        A 10-Week Online Companion Retreat to the Book
      • The Wisdom of Mary and the Sacred Feminine
  • Calendar
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Uncategorized

Welcoming in Tenderness

Last fall I participated in a two-week yoga teacher training retreat through the Samarya Center, a wonderful non-profit yoga studio here in Seattle that is committed to making yoga accessible to everyone.  In addition to their regular offering of classes to the general public, they also offer yoga to those in hospice, to veterans, to those suffering with addiction, and many others. Yoga is not just a physical practice at Samarya, the whole rich tradition of yoga philosophy is woven into everthing they do.

I have been practicing yoga for about 15 years and while I have long felt drawn to further training, I resisted because I wasn't sure I wanted to be a "yoga teacher" per se.  I knew I wanted to deepen into my personal practice and bring some of yoga's gifts to my retreats.  I went to speak with the director to help my discernment and she said, "I am not interested so much in creating more yoga teachers, but in creating better yogis."  And those words helped to usher me forward into a commitment to this journey of training.  I want to be a yogi because for me, it means the same thing as being a monk in the world.  One of the things I love about yoga philosophy and practice is that the goals are the same as the monk – to release the chatter of the mind, to be present to what is deeply true, and connect to the heart of the true Self, the divine spark we all carry within us – and through yoga I can explore familiar concepts and ideas through another lens and language.

One of the many unexpected gifts that came with the fall training was a reconnection to this tender, vulnerable part of myself that I didn't realize had been hidden away.  I feel strong and confident when I teach my Abbey work, I experience ease and joy with presenting material to others and facilitating safe and transformative spaces.

And yet, when it came to our first practice teaching session on our retreat, I was suddenly full of anxiety and some fear.   I wanted to call forth my strong radiant self, but could only seem to muster this much smaller self, feeling tentative and somewhat shy.  Around our fourth day in, when everyone's defenses were being lowered by the intensity of the experience, I found myself weeping one afternoon and not knowing exactly why.  I told the teacher I needed to take a break and went for a long walk.  I breathed.  I listened.   I tried to make space for the tears to flow and just be with them without judgment.

Finally I walked by a pile of pine cones where I stopped and knelt down on the ground.  The smell of earth rose up to meet me.  I picked up these two large and glorious pine cones, stout and sturdy, impressive in their presence.  And then I picked up two small pine cones, much more delicate and fragile-looking.  I laughed because I saw myself there.  My inner strength is well developed – in archetypal language I feel connected to my inner sovereign or queen.  She loves feeling the difference her presence makes in the world.   But there is also an inner tenderness that has also had times of being more developed, but has gone underground for a while as I have cultivated my strong side.  I was feeling her renewed emergence and it was uncomfortable.  I found myself connecting to feelings of embarassment and vulnerability.

Through the rest of the retreat I slowly felt less vulnerable about teaching yoga as part of our practice and now that I am in the practicum stage of the process my confidence grows even more.  But the encounter stayed with me and for the last few months she has been inviting me to pay more attention to her.  Later in the fall I had a spontaneous imagining where I invited this tender self to tell me her name.  "She who cannot be filled" said the voice.  Not with love, or money, or food, or education.  I found myself weeping again.  Then in my imagination I invited her to dialogue with my inner queen.  The queen part of me wants to take care of this tender part, wants to tell her it's okay because the queen is powerful enough for both of them.  And yet "She who cannot be filled" would have none of that and asked the Queen if she would simply sit at the edge of the abyss with her, without words.  To simply rest into the tender silence together.  This was enough.

In the last several years I have been discovering how much the heart of the journey toward spiritual maturity is to walk toward what is uncomfortable.  I don't like it very much, but I do it because I believe there is power in dancing on the edges of our threshold of tolerance, and I have discovered incredible grace from being on those edges.  We grow in our capacity to hold difficult things.  Sitting with this tender part of myself is an essential aspect of that journey.  And in recent weeks I have been finding all kinds of reasons to feel humbled and vulnerable.

In his Rule, Benedict has a long section on humility and its virtues.  The word has its roots in humus  which means "of the earth."  When we are humble we remember our earthiness, our limitations, our mortality. Humility is a form of truth-telling. In a recent interview with author Paula Huston, she writes:

Sin is complicated because it is rooted in lying. In order to convince ourselves to enter into sin, we must in some way deceive ourselves—rationalize away our doubts, tell ourselves a consoling story about our real motivations. Each lie necessitates another, and eventually we wind up morally and spiritually blind. Humility, on the other hand, refuses to self-justify. Humility would rather be unfairly accused than take the risk of egoistic self-deception. And thus it helps foster clarity of vision.

This call for me to embrace humility as a conscious practice these days is a way of stripping away my "egoistic self-deception" and refuse to deceive myself anymore, refuse to rationalize, or tell myself consoling stories about my real motivations.  Welcoming humility means I let go of self-justifying anything, I just let it be what it is.

In yoga philosophy, one of the foundational concepts is satya which means "truthfulness" or "being with what is."  Here I find kinship to humility, to the practice of being ever so gracious to the tender part of me that feels stripped of any protection or strength. Can I show up to myself and allow this to emerge, to give room to the whole of my experience?  How am I with myself in this place of vulnerability?

Where are you feeling the pull of tender vulnerability these days?  How might you make space for her (or his) voice and presence in your life without trying to change or fix anything?

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2 Comments February 5, 2012

Upcoming Programs

The Spiral Way:
Celtic Spirituality and the Creative Imagination

Hosted by the Rowe Center
February 1-21, 2021
with Christine Valters Paintner, PhD

Journey with the Desert Mothers and Fathers
Retreat for Lent 2021

February 17-April 1, 2021
with Christine & John Valters Paintner and Betsey Beckman

Recent Reflections

  • Celtic Spirituality and the Spiral Way ~ A Love Note from Your Online Abbess
  • Hildy Tales 3: Ní heolas go haontíos ~ by John Valters Paintner
  • Humility + Join us today for live prayer! ~ A Love Note from Your Online Abbess
  • Hildy Tales 2: Tús maith leath na hoibre – by John Valters Paintner
  • New Book Club for 2021: Lift Every Voice ~ A Love Note from Your Online Abbess

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