Abbey of the Arts

Transformative Living through Contemplative & Expressive Arts

  • Welcome
    • Prayer Cycle
      • Introduction to the Earth Monastery Prayer Cycle
      • Day 1 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Cathedral
      • Day 2 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Scriptures
      • Day 3 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Saints
      • Day 4 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Spiritual Directors
      • Day 5 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Icon
      • Day 6 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Sacrament
      • Day 7 Morning & Evening Prayer:
        Earth as the Original Liturgy
      • Prayer Cycle Leader Resources
    • About the Abbey
    • About Christine Valters Paintner
    • About John Valters Paintner
    • About the Wisdom Council
    • Monk Manifesto
    • Join the Holy Disorder of Dancing Monks
    • Subscribe to Our Love Notes
    • Website privacy notice
  • Books
    • Sacred Time:
      Embracing an Intentional Way of Life
    • The Wisdom of Wild Grace: Poems
    • Earth, Our Original Monastery:
      Cultivating Wonder and Gratitude through Intimacy with Nature
    • Dreaming of Stones: Poems
    • The Soul's Slow Ripening:
      12 Celtic Practices for Seeking the Sacred
    • The Wisdom of the Body:
      A Contemplative Journey to Wholeness for Women
    • Illuminating the Way:
      Embracing the Wisdom of Monks and Mystics
    • The Soul of a Pilgrim:
      Eight Practices for the Journey Within
    • Eyes of the Heart:
      Photography as a Christian Contemplative Practice
    • The Artist's Rule: Nurturing Your Creative Soul with Monastic Wisdom
    • Desert Mothers and Fathers: Early Christian Wisdom Sayings Annotated & Explained
    • Lectio Divina–The Sacred Art: Transforming Words and Images into Heart-Centered Prayer
    • Water, Wind, Earth & Fire: The Christian Practice of Praying with the Elements
    • Awakening the Creative Spirit:
      Bringing the Arts to Spiritual Direction
    • Lectio Divina: Contemplative Awakening & Awareness
  • Poetry | Art | Music
    • Music + DVD
    • Poetry by Christine Valters Paintner
    • Poetry Videos
    • Dancing Monk Icons
    • Other Art Collaborations
      • Monk in the World art series by Kristin Noelle
      • Saints & Animals art series by David Hollington
      • Sacred Time art series by Alexi Francis
      • Mary block print art series by Kreg Yingst
  • Programs
    • Walk the Ancient Paths: Pilgrimage
      • Monk in the World (Ireland)
      • Writing on the Wild Edges (Ireland)
      • Poetry and the Sacred Garden of the World (Ireland)
      • Vienna Monk in the World (Austria)
      • Hildegard of Bingen (Germany)
    • Live Programs and Spiritual Retreats
      • Awakening the Creative Spirit: Experiential Education for Spiritual Directors in the Expressive Arts (Northwest)
    • Community Online Retreats
      • Lift Every Voice: Contemplative Writers of Color
      • The Way of the Hermit:
        A Spiritual Survival Guide for Dark Times
        with Kayleen Asbo, PhD
      • The Spiral Way:
        Celtic Spirituality and the Creative Imagination
      • Journey with the Desert Mothers and Fathers (Lent 2021)
      • Sacred Time: Embracing an Intentional Way of Life (Spring 2021)
    • Self-Study Online Spiritual Retreats
      • Creative Flourishing in the Heart of the Desert:
        An Online Retreat with St. Hildegard of Bingen
      • Dreaming of the Sea:
        A women’s discernment journey through the story of the Selkie
      • Earth, Our Original Monastery
        A Companion Retreat to the Book (SELF-STUDY)
      • Exile and Coming Home:
        An Archetypal Journey through the Scriptures
      • Eyes of the Heart:
        Photography as Contemplative Practice
        (Companion retreat to the book)
      • Honoring Saints and Ancestors:
        Online Retreat for the Season of Remembrance
      • Lectio Divina:
        The Sacred Art of Reading the World
      • A Midwinter God:
        Making a Conscious Underworld Journey
      • Sacred Rhythms of Sky, Sun, Sea & Stone:
        A Creative Retreat with the Elements (SELF-STUDY)
      • Sacred Seasons:
        A Yearlong Journey through the Celtic Wheel of the Year
      • The Soul of a Pilgrim:
        Eight Practices for the Journey Within
        (a companion retreat to the book)
      • The Soul's Slow Ripening: 12 Celtic Practices for Seekers of the Sacred (a companion retreat to the book)
      • Water, Wind, Earth & Fire
      • Watershed Moments
        in the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures
      • Way of the Monk, Path of the Artist:
        A 12-Week Companion Retreat to The Artist's Rule
      • The Wisdom of the Body:
        A 10-Week Online Companion Retreat to the Book
      • The Wisdom of Mary and the Sacred Feminine
  • Calendar
  • Reflections
  • Contact

Monk in the World Guest Post Series

Monk in the World Guest Post: Carmen Brown

I am delighted to share another beautiful submission to our Monk in the World guest post series from the community. Read on for Carmen Brown's reflection on welcoming the Inner Critic.

Christine Valters Paintner’s reflections and writings both challenge and soothe me like no other. This emotional juxtaposition often compels me to take the painful first step on a contemplative pilgrimage into self-discovery and love.  After reading Paintner’s reflection about welcoming all parts of ourselves as sacred, I realized that I had not been especially hospitable to my Inner Critic. I wondered if it was even possible for this tormenting, depleting voice of criticism to have any redeeming value. This part of me was the loudest voice—the most familiar yet unwelcomed.  She started shouting on the day of my abuse at age 4 and has continued on for the next 43 years.

One day, I decided to tangibly characterize her.  I sketched her out in my art journal and gave her a name.  Around her picture, I wrote out the hurtful words and phrases she daily breathed into my wounded soul.  I put down my pen and looked at her.  Taking in letter after letter of the words that broke my heart, tears began to fall down my cheeks and compassion filled my heart—for her.  I cautioned myself:

 This cannot be happening. I am not supposed to love her; I am trying to destroy and silence her.

And, there it was. The Divine truth that set me free: destruction brings death; acceptance brings healing.

You see, until then, I had never fully realized that by hating her I was empowering her because a spiritual being cannot peaceably exist without love, acceptance, and harmony—especially within oneself. Paintner beautifully summarizes this yielded truth, “The heart of hospitality is to welcome in that which is most unknown, most strange, most discomforting, as the very face of the divine into our lives."

In Matthew 22, Jesus instructs us to, “love your neighbor as yourself.”  How can I love others if I not only do not love but despise parts of myself? And, perhaps more importantly, how is this lack of selves-acceptance affecting my journey as a monk in the world with my brothers and sisters to whom I am called to welcome as Christ?

As I walk with these contemplative questions on my healing journey, I continue to write poetry to help me process the complexities and layers of trauma with my Healer.  In those moments of creation with the Holy Spirit, I find strength and encouragement.  I offer my wounded self in exchange for His peace in sacred moments of Divine alchemy that only He could fashion.  The following poem reminds me of the importance of those moments and the promise of His transformative powers.  And, most importantly, to persevere through the pains of labor in exchange for the divine gift of welcomed wholeness.

Recoil

Sometimes, I forget
Become carefree, open
Dare I say – happy,
Fulfilled, loved, and safe.
Then, you remind me.

The you(s) always come,
Unexpectantly,
Like a bullet
Piercing a hopeful heart
On a wedding day.  Or
A broken soul slaughtering
The innocence as he implodes through
The Parisian countryside.

Joie De Vivre.

Those moments.
That moment where bliss
Is dampened by a dark, heavy blanket that
You know too well, but
Tried to forget
Again.

Those moments where consistency
Becomes inconsistent.
And, spirals me once again
Under the covers
Of hellish ruminations
Of which, Herculean strength cannot
Lift the load.

Furrowed deeply in my mind,
Each moment planting the toxic
Seeds in the garden of my
Discontent.
Tended.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Closing the aperture
Another centimeter. Just
When the baby
Was about to be born.

Carmen L. Brown 2017


Carmen L. Brown is an associate professor of English at a community college in Knoxville, TN.  Additionally, she is a beholder of all things herbs.  This passion led her to create Carmen’s Herbs, Balms and Salves, a small farmer’s market business of organically-crafted herbal skincare focused on the Creator and the awareness of self-nurturing practices.  She can be reached at cbrown9673@aol.com and carmensherbsbalmsandsalves@aol.com

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Leave a Comment May 2, 2018

Upcoming Programs

The Way of the Hermit:
A Spiritual Survival Guide for Dark Times

January 22-24, 2021
with Kayleen Asbo, PhD

The Spiral Way:
Celtic Spirituality and the Creative Imagination

Hosted by the Rowe Center
February 1-21, 2021
with Christine Valters Paintner, PhD

Recent Reflections

  • Humility + Join us today for live prayer! ~ A Love Note from Your Online Abbess
  • Hildy Tales 2: Tús maith leath na hoibre – by John Valters Paintner
  • New Book Club for 2021: Lift Every Voice ~ A Love Note from Your Online Abbess
  • Hildy Tales One: Dia dhuit, is mise Hildy! by John Valters Paintner, Your Online Prior
  • Celebrate the Earth Monastery Prayer Cycle podcast with us!

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