I Kneel
I kneel before my mother
gently clip each nail,
her fingers gnarled like ancient oaks,
toes red and splayed,
ankle joints fused.
I take a sock and scrunch it down,
into a small halo
and place the opening over her toes
then slide it up over her arch,
around her heel,
up her calf,
a slow pilgrimage.
My own hands struggle
from the same disease,
but for this I am still able.
I behold her body,
a shrine of vessels and fluid,
her long vertical scars
over each knee and hip,
every wound, a story of survival.
In a world of rushing and doing,
this is my protest,
nothing is more important
than this quiet tenderness,
emptying her commode
each morning
so that even toenails and urine
are woven into prayer.
Years later
as she lay dying
I rubbed hospital lotion on her feet
and hands, as an act of anointing,
so even there in the green-lit room,
full of tubes and beeps,
far from the world of the living
was an opening,
a bright doorway.
--Christine Valters Paintner, What Enters Through the Open Heart
Dearest dancing monks, artists, and pilgrims,
On October 20th my fourth and newest collection of poems, What Enters Through the Open Heart, will be published by Monkfish publishing. The poem above, “I Kneel” is part of this collection which includes several poems about illness and grief.
This is the introduction to the book to give you a sense of the kinds of poems included:
There is so much that can close our hearts off to the world. Choosing to live in an open-hearted way in the midst of illness or grief is a path of courage.
Life is both tender and fragile, and at times profoundly enduring. This collection of poems centers on the former but often touches on the latter, revealing how this fleeting and frail quality of so many of our experiences, often shows the way toward what is most deeply true.
I have lived over thirty-five years of my adult life with a degenerative autoimmune illness, which my mother had as well. She became so disabled she used a power wheelchair to get around the last few years of her life and the illness ultimately claimed her life. In the section of poems, “Illness and Grief,” I explore some of what it means for me to live with ongoing pain and fatigue and how I both honor the grief as well as strive to make meaning from this (when possible, it isn’t always).
The world itself feels very fragile in these times of climate chaos. Some of the poems in “The Natural World” are a celebration of things I want to hold onto and remember, others are expressions of grief and resistance.
In “Ancestors,” I offer some poems for that often-tenuous link we have with those who have walked before us. The grief, the longing, the confusion we feel and the stories that run through our blood can offer us a sense of direction for our lives.
The penultimate section is “Saints and Mystics.” These wise and well ones who shimmer from beyond the veil have provided me with daily sustenance to continue to show up in this world honoring my own vulnerability and bringing my strengths as gift. Many of the mystics experienced illness themselves and wrestled with the limitations it brings.
Mostly, this collection for me is one long unfolding prayer of grieving and hoping, of witnessing all that feels fleeting, and rooting myself in all that endures.
Next week on Monday, October 19th Simon de Voil and I will be offering a free poetry book launch where I will share more about the book and read several poems, and Simon will offer his beautiful gift of music. I hope you will join us and pre-order the book. The session will be recorded if you can’t join live.
Cultivating Seeds of Liberation prayer cycle
This week we release the video podcasts for day 2 of our Cultivating Seeds of Liberation Prayer Cycle. The theme for Day 2: Morning and Evening Prayer is Vision. The following prayer was written by our program director, Melinda Thomas.
Breath of Life, your sacred imagination danced creation into being. It can be so hard to see ourselves with the same loving gaze with which you look upon us. Help us to see ourselves with clarity and non-judgement. Open our vision to honor stories of the past, respond to the present, and cultivate a future in which our diversity is celebrated, and our similarities grounded in the recognition of shared humanity.
Watch the video podcasts here. They are also available on Vimeo and YouTube.
With great and growing love,
Christine
Christine Valters Paintner, OblSB, PhD, REACE
P.S. Marissa Papula at The Christian Century wrote a lovely review of my book A Book of Everyday Blessings.She writes, “As both a spiritual resource and a work of contemplative art, this collection succeeds in what it sets out to do: to widen the circle of who can bless and what is worthy of blessing.” Read the full review here.
